1235 days.....

Sitting here,
Wanting to feel,
Not knowing what to feel.
Disquiet, unnerving disquietude.

Recalling the last conversation
Asking if I was willing to give my all
Nodding, barely perceptibly
Hating myself for lying to you….to me….
Because I knew I had given all that I could
And I didn’t want to go down that road again.
But I couldn’t stand saying no to you
Seeing the pain in your eyes.

I’m not the person I used to be….you said,
How could I be?
Don’t you see?
I had to stop being that person,
It was the only way,
I could get through
The days
You were emotionally unavailable
The nights
You stayed out until the wee hours of the A.M.
The times
When I worried myself sick over you
Those times
When you didn’t think I should have worried
Yet I still did.

But
Because of you
I became a strong black woman
I learnt that sometimes to find a new island
I have t lose sight of the shore
That sometimes
Even the people I think mean the most to me
Will let me down
And the ones I didn’t think cared
Are the ones who come through
That I have to find my own inner strength
Because no matter what, or who
Only I
Can confront my personal ‘demons’

1235 days
Of memories
Of shared lives
Of nurtured dreams.