He loves me, he loves me not....
Last night I was listening to Nini (Wacera) on Late Night Capital. Lately, that seems to be the only time I can stand Capital. And of course Wednesday morning when DJ Styles is doin’ his thing. Anyway, the abovementioned was talking about a predicament one of her girls is in. Which is usually the pickle women are in, eh, 80, 90% of the time (LOL). Her man. (The below excerpt, not ad verbatim seeing as I kept drifting in and out of sleep)
Her claims : - He loves her, she knows he does, even if he doesn’t say it.
- He just doesn’t know how to show it………etc etc……Musta switched off at this point…
This morning, on my way to work, I thought about the ‘predicament’, which is really not what it is but hey….let’s indulge the girl. And I recalled an e-mail that’s been doing the rounds for quite a bit now, I think I first stumbled on it 4, 5 years ago.
(In response to the question, ‘What are you looking for in a man?’ She said, "I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection mentally because I need conversation and mental stimulation. I don't need a simple-minded man. I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked...believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster. I need a man who is striving for perfection financially because I don't need a financial burden. I am looking for someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded. I am looking for someone who I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive...he just has to be worthy. God made woman to be a helpmate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help himself. "
Sounds like a lot to ask for, right? WRONG. You see, we are so accustomed to disappointment, dissatisfaction from ‘our men’ (used very loosely), that we actually expect it. That when conversing with our girls we silently and unconsciously think to ourselves ‘My man is so much better than that. At least he doesn’t……..* beat me, flirt with other women when he’s with me, ignore me in public, treat me like crap, etc etc - insert as appropriate* ……..
My personal mantra; If you don’t treat me like I deserve to be treated, out ní nja…. Then, as we say, my girls and I, ‘You’re just another clueless guy who got left by the bus, and you haven’t realized it ain’t coming back.’ I refuse to settle for less, I refuse to make you small, I refuse to accept your self – imposed ignorance, I refuse for you to act like ‘I was so drunk / hung over’ is an acceptable excuse for not keeping your word (again, tell me how drinking yourself into a stupor Friday night is something to be oh-so-proud of? Why you think it’s a badge of honor to be worn on your sleeve, posturing for all to see - and hev’n forbid - admire). Ok, I realize I just ran away with that last bit, but, you do get the drift.
So maybe this explains why summa us are still single (single in this came means not committed, read: engaged or married). Which can be a good or a bad thing, depending on how you look at it. But again, my stance: Why do I want to be unhappy with someone if I can be happy by myself?
AOB2, still related……
I have a question for the guys. I’m curious. Very curious. You know how y‘all go on and on about women tryna change you, and you just wanna be accepted for who you are? Sumthin’ funny happened a while ago. I was trying to get this ‘person’ to start reading. Not technical books, or for his next interview. Just for leisure, and not becos someone is holding a gun to your head. So I got him one of my fav books, he loved it……
Him: You really do want me to read….
Me: Yeah…. (like d-uh)
Me: It’s good for you..
Him: *Laughing*…That’s not why you want me to read….
Me: It is so….
Him: *Still laughing*…..You want me to read because that’s what you want the man you love to be……
Yes. Busted. I realized I WAS tryna change him. Is this what guys go all on and on about? So. Yes. I want you to read more. And I also want you to go for archery with me, and out of town so we can spend quiet, quality, alcohol-free time together (and not for the boys-booze-and-shag-plan), and to accompany me to plays and musicals, and to concerts, and to horseriding. And so you can realize that there’s plenty other things to do than just go sit at the bar and drink….and drink….and drink……
If a woman does this, is she trying to change you, and is that a bad thing?
posted by Jadekitten at 12:46 AM
24 Comments:
Jade,
This is a subject like religion and politics that I refuse to engage in coz there are so many beliefs and positions...and my experience the last few months after changing for my spouse and still getting dumped etc solidifies my position...anyway Iw was just visiting
You know what they say (dont know who exactly) "We teach people how to treat us" So its up to you to choose how you want people to treat you.
happy weekend
some mongos who deemed themselves wiser than all say, "learn to live with the other's negatives...or make them work for you for a happier life." or something in those lines. and i agree.
but if the other is comfortable with the change being inflicted, why not?
we'll never get a just-like-i-dreamt person. compromise.
leave my comments to myself
NRNR...Thanks for visiting...Hang in there... :-)
HNH....I agree. Gr8 weekend too...
Modo....We'll never get a just- like-I-dreamt person. Fine. BUT. If you want t be with a FAB person, you have t try to be a FAB person too...This mambo of compromising mpaka u're left a shell of your desires and wishes, hapana.
Anon : Aiiiii.....
the best advice givne to by mama:-
You should know what you can and wont do for love. See wont because its a choice, i love you but i have to leave bacuse 1 2 3 is not right and despite 456 we have not been able to resolve it. 1 being a man hitting me thats where"out ní nja..."
Funny you write this now. A friend of mine back home sent me email asking my opinion as a man on where to get a good man from. Her fear was that her resolve might break making her settle for anything just so she doesn't end up lonely. I should forward her this post.
If you have your core values and desires, I believe it important to discuss this with your partner and distinguish between the non-negotiable and the negotiable.
@ Gish: You hit the nail on the head. I recenty had t do an I-love-you-but-this-ain't-working-4-me-no-mo', and it felt quite liberating...
@egm. Where do I start. I think a lot of women are to some point scared of ending up alone. BUT that is NO reason to shortchange yourself. I insist, "Why be unhappy with someone when I can be happy by myself?"
I don't mean be uncompromising and unyielding, but I don't have t be the one making ALL the sacrifices and compromises!
I am with you there. Compromise and yielding is a two way street.
As for the short changing, I have this couple friend who just recently celebrated the birth of their daughter. They were married last year in May. The woman had almost given up hope of ever finding someone, since all her friends were married and with kids, yet there she was, alone in her mid-thirties. Then along came this guy who turns out was just the man for her. Today she says she is happy she never buckled and settle for less than him.
I am with you on the compromise thing since you can never find the perfect mate. But, i interject, never compromise your standards to the level that you cannot recognise them anymore! This works both ways.
To find the most perfect mate, the same qualities you are looking for should be mirrored off you. Walk your talk.
For a sawa relationship i believe two whole beings come together to form a bigger whole, rather than wanting to be completed by your mate - Half plus half makes 1 whole, a whole plus a whole make a bigger unit - makes sense? (Dont think so). You should be sufficiently comfortable and happy on your own so as not to stress the unit with your unrealistic expectations.
Go and change your man? Let me see... I guess it depends on whether you wish to change (for the better i hope) a few superficials then its all right. But core values - it would be easier to move a mountain!
Those were my two cents on the issue
Archer said:
I guess the average guy will see the goodness in the change that you're trying to introduce to him and embrace it. But others will see this as the beginning of a whole series of changing him from who he is into a whole new creature. Next it will be less meat and more veggies, watching chick flicks on Saturday afternoons instead of watching premier league with the boys and so on. That's probably why some guys resist any form of change right from the beginning, despite the fact that your intentions were noble.
hmmm, had a similar discussion about 6 mths ago and was told that just as i pen out my life aspirations i may have to write down my REALISTIC 'expectations of an ideal man'...dont know where i was going with that thot but i think it's abhoring when ppl choose to settle less when it comes to matters of the heart/love...
The interesting this is that women love a challenge. If you are too easy to change a woman will most probably leave you and on the other hand if you are too hard to change she may stay for sometime but most likely will leave you too.
I think what women should do is try and make the qualities that they like about a man stand out more as oppossed to creating qualities that are not there are at all!
First, we are shells of our desires and wishes, it's the basic reason we're driven as humans to acquire wealth, wisdom, affection, etc.
So I want Bill Gates type money. Is it a personal wish, kabisa. A realistic one? The odds are stacked heavily against me. Sometimes our desires set the bar too damn high, and I feel it's unwise to expect someone exists to fufills all my requirements for a mate. Plus life puts obstacles in the way that can change things between people. What if I was with supa fly mama, getting money and all that, and shes hit by a bus and survives?
Second like gishungwa said, romantic love is a choice. If you decide to get with a gent-bent-silly and watch tv all day type of person don't expect them to turn into Sunday-morning-at-the-soup-kitchen-volunteers at your bidding. With jamaas, how you find them is how they are probably going to remain.
Third, at the end of the day even assuming you find your idea of FAB, you will find yourself making compromises and overlooking shortcomings to keep the love gravy train on track.
@ egm....Good for your friend.
@ A...Walk your talk, I couldn'have sed it better. And the 1 + 1 making a bigger unit - makes a lotta sense too...
@ Archer...hmmm....That makes sense, in a twisted guyish sorta way.
@ Quint...REALISTIC be right on. He he...
@ Aco, I think we shall agree to disagree on the bit about the woman leaving you regardless of whether she can change you or not. Women leave for MORE and DIVERSE reasons than regards 'changing the man'. But yes, a woman should also focus on her man's strong points...
@ makanga...How you find a guy is how he is going to remain. I agree and disagree. There are some things that as a woman you cannot change in your man however much you try. BUT. Anyone can better themselves, in as far as is realistic.
Again, if I find my idea of FAB, it pro'lly means that my innate expectations have been met, and I can work around these. There is nothing wrong with compromise, but there is something wrong with doing it so much that one is left with nothing.
First, I'll ask that when the chic is single and looking, she has like the checklist. If you find a jamaa who's made most of the list, and you like him, get hooked up. Then you try idealize him to your whole whish list.
Unfortunately, there are guys (like me) who are free spirits and will come up with every (illogical argument that exists to avoid changing. I mean, if you liked me for me, why change me? If I didn't watch chic flicks, read novels or eat veggies, and you liked me, why make them requirements for the future of the relationship?
Compromise in my opinion involves a party (without compulsion) taking up SOME of the hobbies of the other because they like the other & they've developed a liking for those particular hobbies, PERIOD. I figure that's the essence of 'two becoming one'.
forgot to comment about changing.
Now some of my bad habits have been lost due to the tirelss effort of some man. I think change is good as long as its for better not worse. If i can influence you to be a better person then ok else yeah ignore and proceed
a little bit of change isn't bad, but it shouldn't be radical and for sure not one-sided. it should be you give a little, i give a little.
soundtrack: john legend - i can change
@ mwas...compromise IS what you say it is, and on many different levels. The kind of change I'm talking about is uh...less superficial. Not watching chick flicks or eating veggies. Bettering yourself as a person. Reading more, engaging in more value adding activities.
@gish...same here. I have picked up some good things from guys...and I didn't resist, changed bacause I wanted to...
@ adrian.....thanks for being so open minded. And defying the male stereotype, I-refuse-to-change-because-of-a-woman. Methinks we need more men who think like this...
gishungwa ameongea kama wanawake wengi...yes, influence change. that's where mama's fail. they shove it down our throats. hint here hint there. the guy will notice and he'll change. i'm an example. i once had unkempt hair, politely the chick left combs everywhere i looked. so i went and got dreads. (wait, wrong example)
but seriously, influence change. but it's time-consuming, you had better be wiling to wait. i won't change overnight.
question (i love playing the devil's advocate), if we then totally change to what you want don't we become boring. coz now we become predictable...he'll make the bed, he'll put down the toilet seat, he'll iron his shirt, he won't scratch "australia"...he'll be my robot.
Mpende vyenye uko....why have double standards? then again those are my thots..
@ modo.....Devil's advocate...and we could go and on....so....he he
@wk: double stds? now how?
AMEN, AMEN, AND AMEN AGAIN!!!!!!!!!! You are a great writer and I always look forward to reading your blogs. This one hit right at home as did many others. My friends and I have been debating this topic for weeks and we cant seem to come to a decent conclusion. But I REFUSE to lower my standards just to get a man. Some may say my standards are too high and so I'm out of reach...too bad(for me too) but... I don't want a man who is not ambitious enough to work for what he wants.
my take is that there is no way in the world you can get close to someone without both of you influencing each other in atleast a few itty bitty ways. it seems inevitable that couples grow on each other.
my inexperienced humble opinion:)
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